Having kids is one of the greatest joys in the world, I say that as a dude who generally doesn’t like kids. I don’t care about other people’s kids in the least. Unless I am related to them they can all go live on some island Lord of the Flies style for all I care. That being said, I really think being a parent has made me more understanding… except when I am dealing with my kids. Sometimes I just want to strangle those little bastard’s necks.

Let me tell you though – one thing that sucks about having kids is trying to find time to do anything. Do you remember your early years? Do you remember – or perhaps you are still able to go out to a bar with friends? Do you remember going to concerts, on trips, out to eat, or even just sitting around and playing a fucking video game? Kids make that all disappear like the world’s worst magician.

“Step right up, one and all, come see the worst trick on earth! You sir, with the youthful eyes and the spring in your step… prepare to take it up the ass! Alakazam – now you’re a parent! Change that shitty diaper, rock that kid to sleep, read that book, attend this boring meeting with other parents clinging on to life by a thread. Watch as your life disappears before your eyes and everything pleasurable is replaced with the most dreadful and boring shit ever!”

And yet everyone wants to tell you to have kids… have kids early so you have more time to spend with them and more energy! As if you aren’t spending all your time and energy on them already. No… don’t have kids early, it is a trap. Especially if you are even a little bit concerned about being a decent parent. Here is the thing – everyone tells you it will get better, as they get older they get more independent. They don’t tell you as they get older they also start needing you to drive them everywhere so they can be independent.

You become a taxi service, you become a chaperone, you become an ATM, you become everything but a functioning adult. That part is stripped! Of course, you can hire a babysitter, or if you are lucky have relatives watch your kids. I had a great friend who would watch our kids. She was awesome, then she got all knockered up and now we have to beg and pray for someone to watch the kids.

Finding time to do things is the bane of my existence, and since my kids are young I don’t get the freedom of a few hours while they are at school. No, I have to be with them at home and then I have to go to work. So, I get to spend all my waking time with them and all my sleeping time not sleeping. Kids are literally energy leeches. They leech their parents of time and energy as they grow up. They don’t sustain themselves on food… they sustain themselves by eating a little bit of your soul every day!

I am not saying kids suck. I love my kids, I would kill a motherfucker if they messed with my kids, I would fucking eat someone’s god damn face. But, I do wish I could put them into some sort of stasis chamber for a little bit occasionally just to get a little free time. Trying to find free time fucking sucks!